Put Your Mattress to Bed.
Take a minute and think of all you put your mattress through. Crazy, right? That’s why we’re encouraging everyone to consider buying a mattress… for their mattress. It deserves a rest, too, especially after all the long nights and days of support it has given to you.
To prove our point, we asked some Mattress Firm mattresses from around the country to tell us why they deserve a mattress to rest on. And they responded.
Read their stories, and then ask yourself: Does my mattress deserve a mattress?
I’m the every-piece-of-gosh-darn-furniture mattress. Not only am I used at night, but I’m used all day too, because I’m the only piece of furniture you own. Seriously, Devin, I get “ballin’ on a budget,” but do you think you could spring for, I don’t know, a chair? Or even better, maybe some silverware? Don’t get me wrong. I love hearing you eat every meal on top of me, in what can only be compared to the sound an alpaca must make if it were crunching un-boiled spaghetti noodles into a megaphone. Oh, and no worries, using paper towels for a plate when you finally cook the pasta works stupendously. Don’t get me wrong. I love when you do Pilates and Jivamukti yoga poses on me. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely adore being your sofa when you and your pals get together for wine night. Luckily, white mattresses BARELY show red wine stains. Stop getting me wrong. Instead, get me a mattress. I deserve a break.
Not a sofa but frustratingly yours,
Mat | Sandwich, Illinois
I’m the sure-I-love-it-when-you-jump-on-me mattress. Correction: I’m the sure-I-love-it-when-you-and-your-seven-year-old-homies-jump-on-me mattress. Slumber parties are a part of growing up; I get it. It’s great for building character or something and whatever. But, Billy, I’m a twin bed with freaking rocket ship blankets. There’s a nightlight in here. I’m in no way, shape or form capable of supporting you and your four closest pals. For example, do you remember June 2?! Anyways, it was your friend Adrian’s birthday party. Adrian went a little overboard on the cake and punch. Do you remember yet? We’ll call it an “upset tummy” episode, and we’ll leave it at that. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I woke up in a cold sweat. Except it wasn’t sweat. It was the fifth and sixth cup of fruit punch from our beloved birthday boy. My birthday is coming up. Get me a mattress so I can take the day off. Please.
Still drying out but annoyingly yours,
Peete | Chugwater, Wyoming
I’m the 12-cats-better-make-it-13-just-to-be-safe mattress. Margaret, I’m all about independence. I really, really am. I respect you and I support you. I just didn’t sign up for supporting your closest 13 feline friends as well. One of these days when you’re not busy crying at car insurance commercials or reorganizing your bookshelf by color, then size, then alphabetically, then by color again, I want to have a talk with you about this invention I read about called the litter box. It sounds pretty rad; we should think about getting one. And don’t even get me started on smell. If these walls could talk, they’d say, “That mattress smells like a pile of used marathon sneakers.” Oh, and a piece of advice: Calling your ex every night at 11:11pm and instantly hanging up as it starts ringing is a very smooth move; 10/10 on courage, 0/10 on execution. I love your individuality and your confidence. But I’d love a day off on a new mattress even more. And a bath. I’m begging you.
Smelly, dirty and nauseatingly yours,
Kat | Slickpoo, Idaho
Now you know why these mattresses deserve mattresses. Give your poor mattress a break.
P.P.S. April Fools, y’all.